I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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