The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
