she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
