I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
we're so committed to being not committed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
