she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my shit smells like andre
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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