so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Fuck appropriateness.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
