Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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