dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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