I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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