All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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