i want to swaddle you in tequila
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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