Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize