i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
