Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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