the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
