in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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