Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My ATM looks so different sober.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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