It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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