I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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