Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
