Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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