You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
