I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
