Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
