Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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