dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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