I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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