why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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