Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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