Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
