she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
