i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
