i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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