would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
