I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
