This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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