Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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