I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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