3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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