I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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