now i know why i became what i already was.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
