my mouth tastes like poor choices
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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