Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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