just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
