Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
