this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
