I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
