Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
