This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize