i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
