Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
