Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
