We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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