how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
