hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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