My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
