watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
