were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize