I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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