new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Shame - the story of my life.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
