my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
